Speed II: Ruse Control

A South-Korean U.N. nuclear inspector was killed in a car accident in the central Markazi province of Iran on Tuesday.  That's according to the Iranian state-run media.  Apparently the car "turned over," killing the South Korean and Slovenian nuclear inspectors.

Isn't it just horrible when cars randomly turn over killing the representatives of the allies of your greatest enemy?  And it's just tragic when they represent a threat to your national secrecy ...er... that is.. security.

Come on, Iran!  If you're gonna lie to our faces, at least come up with something halfway plausible!  If the US is your mortal enemy, at least show some respect by coming up with a halfway decent cover story for your assassination of UN weapons inspectors!  Or did you want us to know?  Is that your plan?  You crafty devils, you!

If you think that you can inflame us and we won't do anything... well...you're probably right.  Dammit.  Cuz it's election season and no way Obama runs on a "Yes We Can Bomb Iran" slogan.

Source: http://edition.cnn.com/2012/05/08/world/meast/iran-nuclear-death/index.html?hpt=wo_bn11

View From Under A Rock

When you are working really hard in order to make something of yourself in the world, you are far too busy to have any idea what's going on in the world.  I've been working my tail off lately and I have to say... I pretty much know that Romney is the presumptive Republican nominee and that we haven't officially started any new wars in the last week or two. We haven't blown any countries off of the map.

Oh, North Korea's Lil' Kim III managed to make a fool of himself with a faulty rocket launch.  It's ok champ, it happens to everyone sometimes.  Maybe you were too stressed about it, or you had been drinking.  Either way, if your rocket stays up for  more than four hours, make sure to call your doctor.

Ridiculous News: Infuriating Edition

Just in case you didn't have enough reasons to hate Chris Brown, here's another one just to make sure.  He's breeding pit bulls!  Don't get me wrong, I loves me some pit bulls.  I love their big ol' square heads and silly grins and wiggly butts.  That being said - THERE ARE TOO MANY PIT BULLS.  They are some of the most awesome dogs ever but so many of them don't have a home! If you want a pit bull, adopt one.  There's a pittie out there somewhere that desperately wants to come home with you.

To make things worse, pitts aren't a part of the AKC. I'm fine with that.  I think that the AKC is to the dog world what the royals are to the human world - an association of inbred freaks.  That being said, pitt breeders are going for performance.  What kind of performance, you might ask?  Well, with border collies, they're looking for herding skillz.  With pitts, it's all too often looking for "well-built" and "game" dogs with "good lines."  Read between the coy lingo, folks.  They breed them for fighting.  And Chris Brown, unable to sink to a new low, has reinforced his position at the bottom.

Want to make a difference?  Don't shop, adopt!

Source:  http://www.ilovedogs.com/2012/04/chris-brown-pit-bull-breeder/

Bill O'Reilly: A Few Millennia Behind The Times

Oh Bill O'Reilly, you so old fashioned!  Mr. O'Reilly is worried that Glee, the popular musical teen dramedy that every single one of my gay friends adores, might encourage young people to experiment with homosexuality.  After all, watching James Dean smoke made him want to smoke! It just looked so cool!

Two things.  Well, three.
1. Smoking is cool.  It's super bad for your health, but it's cool.  It is not analogous to homosexuality, except that it looks pretty sexy with sexy people and pretty disgusting with unattractive people.
2. Young people have been experimenting with homosexuality since the dawn of PEOPLE.  Exploring your sexuality is a natural and normal part of puberty.  Deal with it.
3. If young men are watching Glee, odds are pretty good that they are gay.  Glee didn't make them that way, it might just help them embrace it and even empower them.

Watching Glee "makes" young people gay no more than watching Some Like It Hot turned men into cross-dressers.  Unless, of course, it had than pernicious influence on Bill O'Reilly...?  Come on Bill, are you that easily influenced?  The folks want to know.


Source:  http://www.opposingviews.com/i/entertainment/video-bill-oreilly-worries-glee-may-turn-children-gay?utm_source=OV+Newsletter+List+2&utm_campaign=41ada80d02-OV_Newsletter_April_204_20_2012&utm_medium=email

Ridiculous News of the Day: Revolution in the People's Republic of Boulder

The University of Colorado in Boulder is planning on shutting down campus tomorrow (Friday, 4/20) to all but students carrying their IDs in order to halt the long running marijuana legalization protest.
Three things, CU:
First, it's a long running tradition for the campus to be full of pot-smokers on 4/20.  People come from all over the front range for it.  Colleges love tradition!
Second, you are in BOULDER.  Home of hippies both legit and trust funded, land of the free and the home of the laid back.  Chill out, dudes.
Third, the protesters are STONERS.  Stoners are chill people.  What the hell do you think is going to happen?  Stoned people don't get violent, that's drunk people.  Remember all of the alcohol-related drama that you've been facing the last few years?  If I were you, I'd embrace the easy-going stoner protesters and tell the drunken frat boys and football players to take a drag.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/04/19/attorney-warns-of-violence-if-university-snuffs-out-colorado-420-protest/#.T5BnzEuI7uY.reddit

Thoughts from the Bathroom Floor

This post was typed a few days ago when I was suffering a nasty bout of food poisoning.

The porcelain god is a jealous god.  without tribute he gets mad.  since i've started reforming my ways a bit there have been fewer sacrificial tributes of alcohol and stomach acid.

the porcelain god is a merciful god.  when your brow is sweaty, he is cool.  when you are weak, he is there for support. his realm is the realm of cool tile and hard, smooth surfaces.  like a hospital, it is a place of healing and, with sacrifice and steadfastness, where life begins again.

Do not deprive the porcelain god of tribute or the sacrifice will be taken by force.  also - don't ever get the bacon from waffle house.

Today in Ridiculous News: Ninjas

A medical marijuana delivery man was attacked by two men dressed as ninjas.  How do pot-smoking ninjas move so fast?

Source: http://www.mercurynews.com/news/ci_20257164/medical-marijuana-delivery-man-attacked-by-ninjas

Anatomy of a Sweetener: Sugar Sues Corn Syrup

           Butter or Margarine; Ice Cream or FroYo; Drip Coffee or French Press; Meat or Tofu, the list goes on.  Although the answers to these questions may be perfectly clear to some of us (butter, ice cream, french press, and tofu, obviously), food feuds are as old as the Hatfields and McCoys or the Montagues and Capulets.  But the Sugar vs. Corn Syrup battle has now gone further than any other rivalry and taken their battle to the courts.  Yes, Sugar is suing Corn Syrup in the food battle to end all food battles.
            Sugar is being represented by the renowned lawyer Spice, a long time associate of Sugar.  Corn Syrup, in a bold move, is being represented by Twinky in what is thought to be a political statement about Synthetic Solidarity. Jury selection is expected to take several days or even a week, as studies show that either Sugar or Corn Syrup is heavily involved in most members of the food community. Sugar, of course, has a longer and more extensive history in the community, but many will remember the aristocratic lineage of Sugar, once a member of the exclusive Delicacy Club.
          Justice Burger is presiding over the forthcoming trial.  Although he has no connection to the Sweetener community, some see this as evidence of his objectivity.  Although there are rumors that Burger may be a member of the Synthetic community, these have not been substantiated.

Source: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-sweetener-suit-20120307,0,7189463.story

Our Earth, Which Art on Earth, Green Be Thy Name

Rick Santorum, champion of all things Christian (except for tolerance, forgiveness, loving thy fellow man, and a litany of other things commanded in the Bible), has called global warming a pseudo-religion!
Shit, he's figured us out.  Our secret cult with hidden rituals of recycling and planting vegetable gardens has been found out! Quick, everybody hide your recycle bins or at least cover the Symbol of the Holy Tri-Arrow.  Maybe if you hang trucknuts on the Prius, they won't know that it's a hybrid.  Oh, and dear God of all that is environmentally friendly, don't use re-usable shopping totes!  Maybe if we just keep re-using the crappy plastic bags, they won't notice what we're doing.
Wait!  Hold on, if it's a pseudo-religion, don't we have rights?  If we worship at the farmer's markets on Saturdays, shouldn't those be tax exempt or something?  We do our recycling on Wednesdays around here, so if that's our holy day, I don't want to go to work.  If you, Rick Santorum, get to imply that we should all follow YOUR religious views, why aren't we allowed to imply the same?  This country was not founded on Catholicism any more than it was founded on our most holy of churches, the Order of People Who Don't Want To Fuck Up The Earth.
Thankfully, global warming is not a church, nor is it an ideology.  It is something that an overwhelming majority of scientists, including those who work for oil companies, agree as a scientific finding supported by significant evidence.
And another thing, oh lord of the sweater vests; If you're trying to insult something by calling it a religion, you're sort of undermining your entire platform.  Just sayin'.


Sources: http://www.redstate.com/rjsantorum/2012/03/10/blown-and-tossed-by-the-winds-of-political-correctness/; http://www.prisonplanet.com/oil-companies-support-global-warming-alarmists-not-skeptics.html;  http://motherjones.com/blue-marble/2012/03/santorum-my-opponents-believe-pseudo-religion-global-warming

Overly Decisive 2012: Cruise to the Kremlin

Vladimir Putin has won the presidential election in Russia in a landslide victory and, when I say landslide, I mean more of an avalanche of epic proportions.  With some precincts reporting in at 107% for Putin, there have been rumors of foul play and voter fraud. Rumor of foul play and voter fraud have been declared a treasonous act by president-elect Putin, as part of his newly drafted Patriot Act.

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/06/world/europe/fraudulent-votes-for-putin-abound-in-chechnya.html?_r=1

Madagascar 3: Escape from Tokyo

In what could be described as the plot of several dozen children's movies, a penguin has escaped from a Tokyo aquarium and is loose in the city.  One can only imagine that the penguin has befriended several local street animals and perhaps a homeless orphan or two and, while overcoming great obstacles, is learning a valuable lesson about the nature of life and friendship.  Eddie Murphy has been rumored to voice the character of the penguin, with additional characters voiced by Wanda Sykes, Steve Carell and, of course, Mark Hamill.



Source: http://www.japantimes.co.jp/text/nn20120305x3.html

Arachnophobia Australis: Why I'll Never Go to Australia

New South Wales, the Australian state that is home to the capital city of Sydney (and, of course, 42 Wallaby Way), has been afflicted with severe flooding, causing the evacuation of thousands of residents and the explosion of Australia's scariest population - huge fucking spiders.

Huge Fucking Spiders

The spiders are Orb spiders, which are not aggressive and have only a mild venom.  Do I care?  NO.  I am NEVER going to Australia.  Call it prejudice, but the explosion of the spider population is something that I can describe only as absolutely terrifying. Spiders are everything that is terrifying - they're fast, they move weird, they can bite, some of them are dangerous beyond reason (I'm looking at you, brown recluse spiders!), and they weave sticky death traps.

If you'll excuse me, I think I saw a spider and I have to scream now.


Source: http://www.theage.com.au/environment/weather/spiders-spin-their-webs-in-the-wagga-wet-as-population-explodes-20120307-1ujov.html

Just a Thought

If corporations are people, why can they be owned?  And if corporations are people, then why don't people have the same rights as corporations?  You know, the tax breaks and so on. And if corporations are people, why is corporate criminal liability such a pain in the ass to figure out since you can't sentence corporations to jail time and it's really a conglomerate so punishing the right person or, as it may be, group of people, is a difficult decision to make that is often somewhat arbitrary and you definitely can't throw a corporation in jail or execute it, at least not in any meaningful sense...
Oh right, that's because CORPORATIONS AREN'T PEOPLE. People are people.  Once we give equal rights to all of our citizens, then we can start meting out rights to other entities.  Until then, let's focus on our own citizens, shall we???

Apple, Apple, Uber Alles!

With a $500 billion stock market value, Apple is now worth more than Poland.  In other news, Germany is considering a hostile takeover of Apple, just out of habit. Originally, Putin and Merkel had decided to split the stock, but at the last minute the Germans pulled out of the deal.

http://money.cnn.com/2012/02/29/technology/apple_market_cap/index.htm

Today's Ridiculous News: Alaska Edition

Gorden Warren Epperly, a man from Juneau, Alaska, has filed a suit to bar President Obama from appearing on the Alaska ballot.  The justification?  He is of the "mulatto race."

Here is an excerpt from the complaint:

Barack Hussein Obama II, Aka Barack Hussein Obama, Aka Barack H. Obama has the race status of being a "Mulatto." Barack Obama's father (Barack Hussein Obama I) was a full blood Negro being born Nyang'oma Kogelo, Nyanza Province, Kenya and raised in the Colony of Kenya. Barack Obama's mother (Stanley Ann Dunham) was a white Caucasian woman being born in Wichita, Kansas on November 29, 1942 and raised in the state of Washington and in the State of Hawaii.

Therefore:

As stated above, for an Individual to be a Candidate for the Office of President of the United States, the Candidate must meet the qualifications set forth in the United States Constitution and one of those qualifications is that the Candidate shall be a "natural born Citizen" of the United States. As Barack Hussein Obama II is of the "Mulatto" race, his status of citizenship is founded upon the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Before the [purported] ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment, the race of "Negro" or "Mulatto" had no standing to be citizens of the United States under the United States Constitution.

Oh, Alaska.  You so crazy.


Source:http://www.enewspf.com/latest-news/latest-national/31089-suit-says-obama-cant-run-in-alaska-because-hes-of-the-mulatto-race.html

Thank You, Republican Presidential Candidates!

No matter how bad my day is, I can always look to the Republican Presidential nominees for a good laugh.

In 2008, Rick Santorum alleged that Satan was attacking America: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57382008-503544/santorum-in-08-satan-is-attacking-america/

Mitt Romney accidentally admits, with his typical awkward speaking skills, that austerity kills jobs: http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/02/21/429831/romney-admits-budget-cuts-slow-economy/

Rick Santorum knows almost nothing about American history, specifically about the development of public schools: http://crooksandliars.com/blue-texan/rick-santorum-flunks-basic-history-agai

Most musicians don't want Republicans to use their music as part of a campaign, but Obama has a Spotify playlist of songs by artists that support him: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/02/the-obama-album/

Newt Gingrich.  Seriously, Newt Gingrich.  He alleges that gas was $2/gallon when Obama was elected, meaning that he thinks that Obama was elected sometime during Clinton's presidency: http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/gingrich-policies-lower-gas-prices-15754351#.T0QrcZggs6R

Then I remember that any one of these men may one day be our president, and I stop laughing.

Is Iraq The New Texas?

Two of the most notable things about Texas:  oil and execution.  Texas is home of legendary oil barons who have capitalized on the black gold that lies under their soil.  Texas also happens to execute more people than any other state in the union. By far. By leaps and bounds.  (http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/FactSheet.pdf)
Now Iraq is looking to beat them at their own game.  They recently executed 14 people in one day, raising the total for 2012 to 65.  For anybody keeping track, we're just a bit over a week into February. If this trend continues (65 executions in five weeks means 13/week), then by New Years we can expect Iraq to have executed 676 people, which is more than Texas has executed in the last forty years combined.
What will happen if this trend continues?  It's already a desert climate, but there might soon be camel rodeos, oversized hats, a conservative leader, conservative extremists, and a distinctly unfriendly attitude towards the neighboring country.  Oh wait...
Well, hopefully they'll develop their answer to Austin and SXSW, not to mention Schlitterbahn waterpark.



http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/02/09/iraq-executes-14-people-in-one-day-65-so-far-this-year/

And Now In Ridiculous News...

20 year old Colorado student Peter Smith was detained and charged for throwing glitter at Mitt Romney.  This quote was taken from the Chicago Tribune:

"Denver authorities detained Smith for questioning on Tuesday night, and he was cited on misdemeanor charges of creating a disturbance, throwing a missile and an unlawful act on school property, Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson said."


Yes, glitter is a missile. Mike Huckabee was quoted in the same article as saying that glitter bombers should be arrested for assault and that "you've got to draw the line."  I'm all for peaceful protest and I love the symbolism of the glitter (generally used by equal rights advocates), but everyone should know that glitter crosses a line.  It's like the herpes of the arts and crafts world!  Once you get that on you, it's never going away.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-rt-us-glitter-charges-coloradotre8180aj-20120208,0,743807.story

Idiot Wind

Politicians traditionally use popular music to define their campaigns.  It’s hard not to associate Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” with the Clinton campaign in 1992 and “Only in America” from Brooks and Dunn will always be linked to Dubya in our minds.   Adding a little bit of Rock n’ Roll (or a little bit of country), adds excitement to rallies that might not be generated from grandstanding politicians.

Another tradition is using music without the permission of the artist.  The concern is not only copyright violation. Politicians represent a viewpoint and using a song for a campaign gives the appearance of the artist’s implicit endorsement of the politician.  Not learning from Bruce Springsteen’s well-documented beef with Reagan for the use of “Born in the USA,” candidates are identifying themselves with music without consulting with the artist.  To speak in (VERY) broad strokes, musicians tend to be liberal (especially if they’re not country artists).  Alice Cooper and Ted Nugent aside, the rock world is a pretty liberal scene.   As such, the recent crop of Republican hopefuls are finding themselves at odds the music world (again).

In the last election cycle, the band Heart made Sarah Palin stop using “Barracuda” and  John Mellencamp made John McCain stop using his songs. Jackson Browne actually sued McCain for using his music without permission. In 2011, Charlie Crist had to apologize to David Byrne from the Talking Heads for using their song without permission (after Byrne filed suit). Tom Petty sent cease and desist letters to Michelle Bachman, something he had to do previously with former President W. Bush.

Not one to learn from his mistakes, Newt Gingrich is now facing the same heat for using the Rocky theme “Eye of the Tiger” during his appearances.  Although Mr. Gingrich doesn’t seem to learn much from his own mistakes (insert token wife joke), you’d think he’d have the wisdom to learn from the mistakes of others.  Or at least to choose a more appropriate song.  I suggest “The Wanderer” by Dion or the theme song to Rolie Polie Olie.

Read more: http://technorati.com/entertainment/celebrity/article/gop-politicians-using-music-without-permission/#ixzz1l4TyvzqM

For Stephen Colbert poking fun at this issue, see his recently issued statement concerning his SuperPAC

http://hereistheplacewhereiloveyou.tumblr.com/post/16837262460