View From Under A Rock

When you are working really hard in order to make something of yourself in the world, you are far too busy to have any idea what's going on in the world.  I've been working my tail off lately and I have to say... I pretty much know that Romney is the presumptive Republican nominee and that we haven't officially started any new wars in the last week or two. We haven't blown any countries off of the map.

Oh, North Korea's Lil' Kim III managed to make a fool of himself with a faulty rocket launch.  It's ok champ, it happens to everyone sometimes.  Maybe you were too stressed about it, or you had been drinking.  Either way, if your rocket stays up for  more than four hours, make sure to call your doctor.

Ridiculous News: Infuriating Edition

Just in case you didn't have enough reasons to hate Chris Brown, here's another one just to make sure.  He's breeding pit bulls!  Don't get me wrong, I loves me some pit bulls.  I love their big ol' square heads and silly grins and wiggly butts.  That being said - THERE ARE TOO MANY PIT BULLS.  They are some of the most awesome dogs ever but so many of them don't have a home! If you want a pit bull, adopt one.  There's a pittie out there somewhere that desperately wants to come home with you.

To make things worse, pitts aren't a part of the AKC. I'm fine with that.  I think that the AKC is to the dog world what the royals are to the human world - an association of inbred freaks.  That being said, pitt breeders are going for performance.  What kind of performance, you might ask?  Well, with border collies, they're looking for herding skillz.  With pitts, it's all too often looking for "well-built" and "game" dogs with "good lines."  Read between the coy lingo, folks.  They breed them for fighting.  And Chris Brown, unable to sink to a new low, has reinforced his position at the bottom.

Want to make a difference?  Don't shop, adopt!

Source:  http://www.ilovedogs.com/2012/04/chris-brown-pit-bull-breeder/

Ridiculous News of the Day: Revolution in the People's Republic of Boulder

The University of Colorado in Boulder is planning on shutting down campus tomorrow (Friday, 4/20) to all but students carrying their IDs in order to halt the long running marijuana legalization protest.
Three things, CU:
First, it's a long running tradition for the campus to be full of pot-smokers on 4/20.  People come from all over the front range for it.  Colleges love tradition!
Second, you are in BOULDER.  Home of hippies both legit and trust funded, land of the free and the home of the laid back.  Chill out, dudes.
Third, the protesters are STONERS.  Stoners are chill people.  What the hell do you think is going to happen?  Stoned people don't get violent, that's drunk people.  Remember all of the alcohol-related drama that you've been facing the last few years?  If I were you, I'd embrace the easy-going stoner protesters and tell the drunken frat boys and football players to take a drag.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/04/19/attorney-warns-of-violence-if-university-snuffs-out-colorado-420-protest/#.T5BnzEuI7uY.reddit

I'm Ba-ack!

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted.  We all know it ain't cuz politics have been boring.  If anything, they've been rich with material for satire.  I've just been crazy busy.

Here are the things that I have learned in the past few weeks
1. The morning run will always suck at first.
2. There is such a thing as too much coffee in the morning
3. Running with the dog a lot will not exhaust him, it will make him more fit so that he has more energy
4. Smoking at night is never worth the morning toll during that shitty morning run.
5. There is such a thing as too much coffee in the afternoon.
6. Any work breaks during the day must be made up for at night.  The work doesn't go away.
7. I can't multi-task as well as I think I can.
8. 24-hour news networks are never worth watching for more than thirty minutes
9. Don't drink coffee in the evening if you plan on waking up at a reasonable hour
10. Without blogging I don't have a creative outlet.  Back to work!

Ready. Set. BLOG!

Today in Ridiculous News: Ninjas

A medical marijuana delivery man was attacked by two men dressed as ninjas.  How do pot-smoking ninjas move so fast?

Source: http://www.mercurynews.com/news/ci_20257164/medical-marijuana-delivery-man-attacked-by-ninjas

As Coulter As Ice

In shocking news, Ann Coulter is a bad person.  Surprise! Apparently ignoring the golden rule and the maxim that two wrongs don't make a right, Coulter is now advocating that right-wing pundits begin to attack the two young Obama girls.

In response to offensive jokes by David Letterman about one of Sarah Palin's young children, there was a media uproar and Letterman had to eat crow and apologize on air.  Bill Maher has recently made disparaging comments concerning the 2012 Republican Candidates.  Coulter had this to say to Sean Hannity on March 21st:


“I just say that going after the children generally ought to be off limits. It has not been off limits for Republicans, though, conservatives have taken the Obama children off limits.”  She added, “so maybe it’s time to start imitating liberals in another way and go after the Obama children. By the way, that has been done grotesquely and viscously over the years by the left.”


True? To an extent.  And for heaven's sake, it's despicable.  It should not be done.  Children are innocent victims of their parents' choice to enter politics.  Children should be off limits, Coulter is right about that, but the way to make your point is not to attack the children of your opponents.  This isn't just an ethical thing about the proper way to conduct a disagreement, there are real victims here and they are CHILDREN.  They may suffer severe psychological harm from public scrutiny, harassment, and embarrassment.  Growing up is hard enough to do without some idiot on television making jokes about you in front of the whole nation.

Here's what Coulter is wrong about, though.  The right doesn't consider children off limits!  Rush Limbaugh, honorary member of Congress and Republican stalwart, attacked Chelsea Clinton in 1993.  She was thirteen!  That's the time in a young girl's life when self-confidence is precarious at best and all of the awkward developments that nature throws at you are in an bizarre state of mid-development.  That's also the time when Rush Limbaugh said the following:


“Socks is the White House cat, but did you know there is also a White House dog?” 


 He then held up a picture of Chelsea Clinton. 


Ok, so nobody is considering Rush Limbaugh "fair and balanced."  Same thing for Bill Maher.  They are entertainers who use the somewhat different and harsher language of satire.  That doesn't mean that they can't overstep their bounds, and attacking children is a flying leap over the line of appropriate.


Ann Coulter, however, tries to represent herself as an intelligent voice in political discourse.  For her to advocate reprisal for the rather disgusting jokes concerning the children of certain Republican politicians by attacking the children of Democratic politicians lowers her to the level of Letterman, Maher, and Limbaugh.  It makes her and incendiary and rather idiotic entertainer who ought not to be taken seriously, as well as one with questionable morality.  


Oops, was this not funny?  Oh yeah, that's because attacking and humiliating children and masquerading it as entertainment isn't funny.

Anatomy of a Sweetener: Sugar Sues Corn Syrup

           Butter or Margarine; Ice Cream or FroYo; Drip Coffee or French Press; Meat or Tofu, the list goes on.  Although the answers to these questions may be perfectly clear to some of us (butter, ice cream, french press, and tofu, obviously), food feuds are as old as the Hatfields and McCoys or the Montagues and Capulets.  But the Sugar vs. Corn Syrup battle has now gone further than any other rivalry and taken their battle to the courts.  Yes, Sugar is suing Corn Syrup in the food battle to end all food battles.
            Sugar is being represented by the renowned lawyer Spice, a long time associate of Sugar.  Corn Syrup, in a bold move, is being represented by Twinky in what is thought to be a political statement about Synthetic Solidarity. Jury selection is expected to take several days or even a week, as studies show that either Sugar or Corn Syrup is heavily involved in most members of the food community. Sugar, of course, has a longer and more extensive history in the community, but many will remember the aristocratic lineage of Sugar, once a member of the exclusive Delicacy Club.
          Justice Burger is presiding over the forthcoming trial.  Although he has no connection to the Sweetener community, some see this as evidence of his objectivity.  Although there are rumors that Burger may be a member of the Synthetic community, these have not been substantiated.

Source: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-sweetener-suit-20120307,0,7189463.story

Overly Decisive 2012: Cruise to the Kremlin

Vladimir Putin has won the presidential election in Russia in a landslide victory and, when I say landslide, I mean more of an avalanche of epic proportions.  With some precincts reporting in at 107% for Putin, there have been rumors of foul play and voter fraud. Rumor of foul play and voter fraud have been declared a treasonous act by president-elect Putin, as part of his newly drafted Patriot Act.

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/06/world/europe/fraudulent-votes-for-putin-abound-in-chechnya.html?_r=1

Madagascar 3: Escape from Tokyo

In what could be described as the plot of several dozen children's movies, a penguin has escaped from a Tokyo aquarium and is loose in the city.  One can only imagine that the penguin has befriended several local street animals and perhaps a homeless orphan or two and, while overcoming great obstacles, is learning a valuable lesson about the nature of life and friendship.  Eddie Murphy has been rumored to voice the character of the penguin, with additional characters voiced by Wanda Sykes, Steve Carell and, of course, Mark Hamill.



Source: http://www.japantimes.co.jp/text/nn20120305x3.html

Arachnophobia Australis: Why I'll Never Go to Australia

New South Wales, the Australian state that is home to the capital city of Sydney (and, of course, 42 Wallaby Way), has been afflicted with severe flooding, causing the evacuation of thousands of residents and the explosion of Australia's scariest population - huge fucking spiders.

Huge Fucking Spiders

The spiders are Orb spiders, which are not aggressive and have only a mild venom.  Do I care?  NO.  I am NEVER going to Australia.  Call it prejudice, but the explosion of the spider population is something that I can describe only as absolutely terrifying. Spiders are everything that is terrifying - they're fast, they move weird, they can bite, some of them are dangerous beyond reason (I'm looking at you, brown recluse spiders!), and they weave sticky death traps.

If you'll excuse me, I think I saw a spider and I have to scream now.


Source: http://www.theage.com.au/environment/weather/spiders-spin-their-webs-in-the-wagga-wet-as-population-explodes-20120307-1ujov.html

Today's Ridiculous News: Alaska Edition

Gorden Warren Epperly, a man from Juneau, Alaska, has filed a suit to bar President Obama from appearing on the Alaska ballot.  The justification?  He is of the "mulatto race."

Here is an excerpt from the complaint:

Barack Hussein Obama II, Aka Barack Hussein Obama, Aka Barack H. Obama has the race status of being a "Mulatto." Barack Obama's father (Barack Hussein Obama I) was a full blood Negro being born Nyang'oma Kogelo, Nyanza Province, Kenya and raised in the Colony of Kenya. Barack Obama's mother (Stanley Ann Dunham) was a white Caucasian woman being born in Wichita, Kansas on November 29, 1942 and raised in the state of Washington and in the State of Hawaii.

Therefore:

As stated above, for an Individual to be a Candidate for the Office of President of the United States, the Candidate must meet the qualifications set forth in the United States Constitution and one of those qualifications is that the Candidate shall be a "natural born Citizen" of the United States. As Barack Hussein Obama II is of the "Mulatto" race, his status of citizenship is founded upon the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Before the [purported] ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment, the race of "Negro" or "Mulatto" had no standing to be citizens of the United States under the United States Constitution.

Oh, Alaska.  You so crazy.


Source:http://www.enewspf.com/latest-news/latest-national/31089-suit-says-obama-cant-run-in-alaska-because-hes-of-the-mulatto-race.html

European Vacation!

Switzerland is set to vote on whether to increase the annual vacation benefit to six weeks of paid vacation.  Switzerland has been largely sheltered from the European economic decline because they have declined to adopt the Euro currency and because of the strength of their own industries (swiss bank accounts!).  If you were wondering, the home of beautiful mountains, amazing chocolate, a border with Italy and mediterranean paradise but without all of the corruption...Switzerland just officially made itself the most awesome country ever.

http://www.swissinfo.ch/eng/specials/march_11_vote/Benefits_of_extra_holiday_debated_ahead_of_vote_.html?cid=31976010

Christian Post Can't Read

Christian Post recently published an article alleging that a Mississippi Senate bill could result in life imprisonment for parents that spank their children.  I'm currently advocating for a minimum of 2 months for publishing an article that tries to describe a bill without READING THE BILL.
The bill, specifically Senate Bill 2180, criminalizes child abuse and provides penalties for it.  It also specifically allows for reasonable discipline as a defense (specifically section c, subsection iii).
This article is a ridiculous act of sensationalism that tries to ignite righteous indignity and outrage amongst Christian parents, but the sad truth is that it's blatantly false.
The bill could do with a definitions section that defines "reasonable discipline," but there's plenty of case law that sets out a definition.
Pastor David Wright, CEO of DOers TV, takes the insanity a step further, turning a well-meaning bill that needs a definition section into a case of "Christians against the government."

"To all Christian parents, believe what God said regarding spanking your child as a form of discipline. And if you do not believe it works, just look at society, and all the parents who leave disciplining their children to the government and ask yourself which one works the best,"
http://www.christianpost.com/news/should-christians-spank-miss-bill-could-mean-life-imprisonment-for-parents-68846/

Yes, Pastor Wright,  everyone who spanks their children does so because they are following the word of God and everybody who doesn't is a heathen and neglecting their children, who are undoubtedly uncontrolled hooligans.
Given as how it's Mississippi, I'm gonna guess that most of the state Senate would identify as Christian.  They were elected by Mississippi residents, many of whom also identify as Christian. I think that the Christian Post needs to calm down and perhaps talk to their local congressperson about amending the bill. That's a whole lot more productive than writing an incendiary article.

For the text of the bill, follow the link:
http://billstatus.ls.state.ms.us/documents/2012/html/SB/2100-2199/SB2180IN.htm

Is Iraq The New Texas?

Two of the most notable things about Texas:  oil and execution.  Texas is home of legendary oil barons who have capitalized on the black gold that lies under their soil.  Texas also happens to execute more people than any other state in the union. By far. By leaps and bounds.  (http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/FactSheet.pdf)
Now Iraq is looking to beat them at their own game.  They recently executed 14 people in one day, raising the total for 2012 to 65.  For anybody keeping track, we're just a bit over a week into February. If this trend continues (65 executions in five weeks means 13/week), then by New Years we can expect Iraq to have executed 676 people, which is more than Texas has executed in the last forty years combined.
What will happen if this trend continues?  It's already a desert climate, but there might soon be camel rodeos, oversized hats, a conservative leader, conservative extremists, and a distinctly unfriendly attitude towards the neighboring country.  Oh wait...
Well, hopefully they'll develop their answer to Austin and SXSW, not to mention Schlitterbahn waterpark.



http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/02/09/iraq-executes-14-people-in-one-day-65-so-far-this-year/