Thoughts from the Bathroom Floor

This post was typed a few days ago when I was suffering a nasty bout of food poisoning.

The porcelain god is a jealous god.  without tribute he gets mad.  since i've started reforming my ways a bit there have been fewer sacrificial tributes of alcohol and stomach acid.

the porcelain god is a merciful god.  when your brow is sweaty, he is cool.  when you are weak, he is there for support. his realm is the realm of cool tile and hard, smooth surfaces.  like a hospital, it is a place of healing and, with sacrifice and steadfastness, where life begins again.

Do not deprive the porcelain god of tribute or the sacrifice will be taken by force.  also - don't ever get the bacon from waffle house.

Our Earth, Which Art on Earth, Green Be Thy Name

Rick Santorum, champion of all things Christian (except for tolerance, forgiveness, loving thy fellow man, and a litany of other things commanded in the Bible), has called global warming a pseudo-religion!
Shit, he's figured us out.  Our secret cult with hidden rituals of recycling and planting vegetable gardens has been found out! Quick, everybody hide your recycle bins or at least cover the Symbol of the Holy Tri-Arrow.  Maybe if you hang trucknuts on the Prius, they won't know that it's a hybrid.  Oh, and dear God of all that is environmentally friendly, don't use re-usable shopping totes!  Maybe if we just keep re-using the crappy plastic bags, they won't notice what we're doing.
Wait!  Hold on, if it's a pseudo-religion, don't we have rights?  If we worship at the farmer's markets on Saturdays, shouldn't those be tax exempt or something?  We do our recycling on Wednesdays around here, so if that's our holy day, I don't want to go to work.  If you, Rick Santorum, get to imply that we should all follow YOUR religious views, why aren't we allowed to imply the same?  This country was not founded on Catholicism any more than it was founded on our most holy of churches, the Order of People Who Don't Want To Fuck Up The Earth.
Thankfully, global warming is not a church, nor is it an ideology.  It is something that an overwhelming majority of scientists, including those who work for oil companies, agree as a scientific finding supported by significant evidence.
And another thing, oh lord of the sweater vests; If you're trying to insult something by calling it a religion, you're sort of undermining your entire platform.  Just sayin'.


Sources: http://www.redstate.com/rjsantorum/2012/03/10/blown-and-tossed-by-the-winds-of-political-correctness/; http://www.prisonplanet.com/oil-companies-support-global-warming-alarmists-not-skeptics.html;  http://motherjones.com/blue-marble/2012/03/santorum-my-opponents-believe-pseudo-religion-global-warming

Liar Liar, Magic Pants On Fire

The Utah house has passed a bill which prohibits sexual education in public schools.  If schools do choose to teach sex ed, abstinence-only sex ed is required.  House representatives have cited intellectual reasons for this, as well as honesty.  Oh Utah, you rode the short bus to school, didn't you? State Representative Bill Wright offered the following explanation:
"We've been culturally watered down to think we have to teach about sex, about having sex and how to get away with it, which is intellectually dishonest," Wright said, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. "Why don't we just be honest with them upfront that sex outside marriage is devastating?"
Honest? Oh Mr. Wright, that's precious.  Let's be honest and recognize that school districts that teach abstinence-only education have consistently higher teen pregnancy rates. Let's be honest and give students the real facts about the dangers of sex and smart ways to prevent those dangers, because if Mr. Wright thinks that this bill is going to stop teenagers from having sex, he's not being honest with himself.
What can we infer from the house bill?  Well, children, it would seem that your representatives would rather allow for an atmosphere that will statistically increase your chances of teenage parenthood and contracting STDs than teach you about...
shh... gather round, gotta be quiet cuz this is a secret
"sex"


source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/23/abstinence-only-sex-educa_n_1297238.html 

Tweet Revenge

The 21st century answer to Salman Rushdie has arrived!  Saudi-born journalist Hamza Kashgari was arrested in Kuala Lampur for deportation as a result of a series of Tweets that he posted some time ago, where he described an imaginary encounter and conversation with Muhammed.  Mr. Kashgari is being accused of blasphemy. If he is charged with and convicted of blasphemy, he may face the death penalty.
Oh, if only he lived in the land of the free and the home of the brave! America doesn't stand for this sort of oppression... unless you have massive oil reserves.  Sorry, Mr. Kashgari.  If you want our help, you're going to have to get some oil.
Twitter has not yet commented, but one could imagine that they might be thinking "It's called Twitter, you twats! Not 'Serious Discourse!'"  Maybe they should include a disclaimer "No tweets less than 141 characters to be taken seriously."

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/13/world/asia/saudi-writer-is-deported-over-twitter-posts-on-prophet-muhammad.html