Apple, Apple, Uber Alles!

With a $500 billion stock market value, Apple is now worth more than Poland.  In other news, Germany is considering a hostile takeover of Apple, just out of habit. Originally, Putin and Merkel had decided to split the stock, but at the last minute the Germans pulled out of the deal.

http://money.cnn.com/2012/02/29/technology/apple_market_cap/index.htm

Today's Ridiculous News: Alaska Edition

Gorden Warren Epperly, a man from Juneau, Alaska, has filed a suit to bar President Obama from appearing on the Alaska ballot.  The justification?  He is of the "mulatto race."

Here is an excerpt from the complaint:

Barack Hussein Obama II, Aka Barack Hussein Obama, Aka Barack H. Obama has the race status of being a "Mulatto." Barack Obama's father (Barack Hussein Obama I) was a full blood Negro being born Nyang'oma Kogelo, Nyanza Province, Kenya and raised in the Colony of Kenya. Barack Obama's mother (Stanley Ann Dunham) was a white Caucasian woman being born in Wichita, Kansas on November 29, 1942 and raised in the state of Washington and in the State of Hawaii.

Therefore:

As stated above, for an Individual to be a Candidate for the Office of President of the United States, the Candidate must meet the qualifications set forth in the United States Constitution and one of those qualifications is that the Candidate shall be a "natural born Citizen" of the United States. As Barack Hussein Obama II is of the "Mulatto" race, his status of citizenship is founded upon the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Before the [purported] ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment, the race of "Negro" or "Mulatto" had no standing to be citizens of the United States under the United States Constitution.

Oh, Alaska.  You so crazy.


Source:http://www.enewspf.com/latest-news/latest-national/31089-suit-says-obama-cant-run-in-alaska-because-hes-of-the-mulatto-race.html

Liar Liar, Magic Pants On Fire

The Utah house has passed a bill which prohibits sexual education in public schools.  If schools do choose to teach sex ed, abstinence-only sex ed is required.  House representatives have cited intellectual reasons for this, as well as honesty.  Oh Utah, you rode the short bus to school, didn't you? State Representative Bill Wright offered the following explanation:
"We've been culturally watered down to think we have to teach about sex, about having sex and how to get away with it, which is intellectually dishonest," Wright said, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. "Why don't we just be honest with them upfront that sex outside marriage is devastating?"
Honest? Oh Mr. Wright, that's precious.  Let's be honest and recognize that school districts that teach abstinence-only education have consistently higher teen pregnancy rates. Let's be honest and give students the real facts about the dangers of sex and smart ways to prevent those dangers, because if Mr. Wright thinks that this bill is going to stop teenagers from having sex, he's not being honest with himself.
What can we infer from the house bill?  Well, children, it would seem that your representatives would rather allow for an atmosphere that will statistically increase your chances of teenage parenthood and contracting STDs than teach you about...
shh... gather round, gotta be quiet cuz this is a secret
"sex"


source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/23/abstinence-only-sex-educa_n_1297238.html 

Thank You, Republican Presidential Candidates!

No matter how bad my day is, I can always look to the Republican Presidential nominees for a good laugh.

In 2008, Rick Santorum alleged that Satan was attacking America: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57382008-503544/santorum-in-08-satan-is-attacking-america/

Mitt Romney accidentally admits, with his typical awkward speaking skills, that austerity kills jobs: http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/02/21/429831/romney-admits-budget-cuts-slow-economy/

Rick Santorum knows almost nothing about American history, specifically about the development of public schools: http://crooksandliars.com/blue-texan/rick-santorum-flunks-basic-history-agai

Most musicians don't want Republicans to use their music as part of a campaign, but Obama has a Spotify playlist of songs by artists that support him: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/02/the-obama-album/

Newt Gingrich.  Seriously, Newt Gingrich.  He alleges that gas was $2/gallon when Obama was elected, meaning that he thinks that Obama was elected sometime during Clinton's presidency: http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/gingrich-policies-lower-gas-prices-15754351#.T0QrcZggs6R

Then I remember that any one of these men may one day be our president, and I stop laughing.

Libya Doesn't Know About Mormons, India, or China

In a statement given yesterday (Feb 13), Libya issued a statement to the United Nation Rights Council that homosexuality will "affect religion and the continuation and reproduction of the human race."  The whole religion thing is a debate that I don't want to get into here, but let's look at the second half of that quote.  Libya is seriously concerned about the continuation and reproduction of the human race?  Libya has clearly never heard of the Mormons or certain groups of evangelical Christians (the Dugger family?), not to mention the entire countries of India and China.  Given the overwhelming ratio of boys to girls in China, homosexuality may be the only way to avoid some serious social unrest once those boys become men.
Come on, Libya.  The concern of a dwindling population is just not an issue.

http://blog.unwatch.org/index.php/2012/02/13/libya-tells-un-rights-council-gays-threaten-continuation-of-human-race/

Valentine's Day: Officially the Worst Holiday

Valentine's Day, aka Single's Awareness Day, aka Day of Guilt, aka Worst Holiday Ever.  It's here.   Not only is this the day that we all decry (but still secretly hope for a romantic surprise), it's a holiday celebrated only by happy couples.  Think about that.  Unhappy couples and bitter single people are reminded of the fact that their lives in no way resemble a romantic comedy and happy single people... well... I have no idea what they do.  Probably hang out with supermodels and drink champagne whilst discussing just how awesome their lives are.  I wouldn't know, but my guess is that this day passes them by without making much of an effect.
It's such a depressing holiday.  Jewelry is expensive and we're sorta in the middle of an economic crisis.  Chocolate is fattening and guilt inducing amongst all but the skinniest women (who probably don't eat much chocolate anyways).  There's something about a single rose that is simple and beautiful, perhaps emphasized by it's ephemeral nature.  Well guess what?  You can't even enjoy that now.  Turns out there is a 1 in 12 chance that your Valentine's Day flowers were cut by child laborers.  Did your Valentine go big for the dozen roses?  I think you can do the math on that one.

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/02/theres-a-1-in-16-chance-your-v-day-flowers-were-cut-by-child-laborers/253084/

My Valentine's Day gift to the conservatives among us?  There used to be a significantly larger portion of flowers imported to the US that were cut by child laborers.  In 2006 Dubya began the process of a Free Trade Deal with Colombia that required a certain standard of worker's rights which included an end to child labor.  Congress has finally approved and the trade deal should go into effect sometime this year. Happy Valentine's Day.

America's Best Export? Colorful Metaphors

A panel of German linguists has named the best English loanword to enter into the German vocabulary.  The winning word? Shitstorm!  That's right, the word is a compound word composed of "shit" and "storm," which derive, respectively, from the German words "Scheisse" and "Sturm," has been re-adopted in its combined form.  This demonstrates the strict rigidity of the German language and the American ability to create fantastic obscenities.


http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/news/regions/europe/germany/120214/academics-vote-shitstorm-germans-best-english-loanword

NYPD Bloopers

Remember a few months back when New York Deputy Inspector Anthony Bologna (code name Tony Baloney) sprayed Occupy Wall Street protesters in the face?  It's time for the NYPD to pay the piper. The two young women who were doused with enough pepper spray to subdue a pack of wild boars have filed suit.  The suit is filed against DI Bologna, the NYPD, the City of New York, and various other officers.  The lawsuit alleges that the officers were not properly trained.  From the behavior caught on the viral video of Tony Baloney spraying down the women with almost pornographic amounts of pepper spray, it would seem that they failed to teach them what pepper spray is and does.  My recommendation is that every officer should get a quick burst of pepper spray in the general area of their face. Officer Bologna, IMHO, should get the same amount in his face that he sprayed at the protesters.  That should be an effective deterrent.


http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/02/14/us-newyork-occupy-lawsuit-idUSTRE81D06N20120214

Dear Mitt Romney,

47 million Americans now live below the poverty line.  Tent cities are popping up in the worst-hit cities.  Care about the very poor yet, Mitt Romney?  Huh?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/panorama/hi/front_page/newsid_9694000/9694094.stm

Justice InJustice

Supreme Court Justice Breyer, his wife, and guests were robbed by a machete-wielding intruder.  The intruder busted in to their West Indies vacation home and took about $1k in cash but didn't hurt anybody.

http://www.scotusblog.com/2012/02/justice-breyer-robbed/

In breaking news, J. Breyer now supports a ban on concealed machetes, which Justice Scalia opposes as contradictory to the framers' intentions.

Tweet Revenge

The 21st century answer to Salman Rushdie has arrived!  Saudi-born journalist Hamza Kashgari was arrested in Kuala Lampur for deportation as a result of a series of Tweets that he posted some time ago, where he described an imaginary encounter and conversation with Muhammed.  Mr. Kashgari is being accused of blasphemy. If he is charged with and convicted of blasphemy, he may face the death penalty.
Oh, if only he lived in the land of the free and the home of the brave! America doesn't stand for this sort of oppression... unless you have massive oil reserves.  Sorry, Mr. Kashgari.  If you want our help, you're going to have to get some oil.
Twitter has not yet commented, but one could imagine that they might be thinking "It's called Twitter, you twats! Not 'Serious Discourse!'"  Maybe they should include a disclaimer "No tweets less than 141 characters to be taken seriously."

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/13/world/asia/saudi-writer-is-deported-over-twitter-posts-on-prophet-muhammad.html

European Vacation!

Switzerland is set to vote on whether to increase the annual vacation benefit to six weeks of paid vacation.  Switzerland has been largely sheltered from the European economic decline because they have declined to adopt the Euro currency and because of the strength of their own industries (swiss bank accounts!).  If you were wondering, the home of beautiful mountains, amazing chocolate, a border with Italy and mediterranean paradise but without all of the corruption...Switzerland just officially made itself the most awesome country ever.

http://www.swissinfo.ch/eng/specials/march_11_vote/Benefits_of_extra_holiday_debated_ahead_of_vote_.html?cid=31976010

Today In Ridiculous News... Faux News Edition

In a move resulting in some serious face-palm action, Fox News Channel pundit Liz Trotta wrote off sexual assaults on female soldiers in action as a predictable result of women in the military.  In her words "Now, what did they expect?"

I can't find a comment from Fox on this turd yet, but I'm sure that they aren't too happy.


http://motherjones.com/mojo/2012/02/fox-pundit-women-military-should-expect-get-raped-video

Senior Military Leaders’ Loss of Integrity Wounds Afghan War Effort (thanks rolling stone!)

This quote taken from Rolling Stone magazine.  No copyright infringement intended.

"Earlier this week, the New York Times’ Scott Shane published a bombshell piece about Lt. Colonel Daniel Davis, a 17-year Army veteran recently returned from a second tour in Afghanistan. According to the Times, the 48-year-old Davis had written an 84-page unclassified report, as well as a classified report, offering his assessment of the decade-long war. That assessment is essentially that the war has been a disaster and the military's top brass has not leveled with the American public about just how badly it’s been going. "How many more men must die in support of a mission that is not succeeding?" Davis boldly asks."

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/blogs/national-affairs/the-afghanistan-report-the-pentagon-doesnt-want-you-to-read-20120210#ixzz1m1UhoIQA

Rolling Stone has provided the full 84 page report linked here:

http://www1.rollingstone.com/extras/RS_REPORT.pdf

Christian Post Can't Read

Christian Post recently published an article alleging that a Mississippi Senate bill could result in life imprisonment for parents that spank their children.  I'm currently advocating for a minimum of 2 months for publishing an article that tries to describe a bill without READING THE BILL.
The bill, specifically Senate Bill 2180, criminalizes child abuse and provides penalties for it.  It also specifically allows for reasonable discipline as a defense (specifically section c, subsection iii).
This article is a ridiculous act of sensationalism that tries to ignite righteous indignity and outrage amongst Christian parents, but the sad truth is that it's blatantly false.
The bill could do with a definitions section that defines "reasonable discipline," but there's plenty of case law that sets out a definition.
Pastor David Wright, CEO of DOers TV, takes the insanity a step further, turning a well-meaning bill that needs a definition section into a case of "Christians against the government."

"To all Christian parents, believe what God said regarding spanking your child as a form of discipline. And if you do not believe it works, just look at society, and all the parents who leave disciplining their children to the government and ask yourself which one works the best,"
http://www.christianpost.com/news/should-christians-spank-miss-bill-could-mean-life-imprisonment-for-parents-68846/

Yes, Pastor Wright,  everyone who spanks their children does so because they are following the word of God and everybody who doesn't is a heathen and neglecting their children, who are undoubtedly uncontrolled hooligans.
Given as how it's Mississippi, I'm gonna guess that most of the state Senate would identify as Christian.  They were elected by Mississippi residents, many of whom also identify as Christian. I think that the Christian Post needs to calm down and perhaps talk to their local congressperson about amending the bill. That's a whole lot more productive than writing an incendiary article.

For the text of the bill, follow the link:
http://billstatus.ls.state.ms.us/documents/2012/html/SB/2100-2199/SB2180IN.htm

Is Iraq The New Texas?

Two of the most notable things about Texas:  oil and execution.  Texas is home of legendary oil barons who have capitalized on the black gold that lies under their soil.  Texas also happens to execute more people than any other state in the union. By far. By leaps and bounds.  (http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/FactSheet.pdf)
Now Iraq is looking to beat them at their own game.  They recently executed 14 people in one day, raising the total for 2012 to 65.  For anybody keeping track, we're just a bit over a week into February. If this trend continues (65 executions in five weeks means 13/week), then by New Years we can expect Iraq to have executed 676 people, which is more than Texas has executed in the last forty years combined.
What will happen if this trend continues?  It's already a desert climate, but there might soon be camel rodeos, oversized hats, a conservative leader, conservative extremists, and a distinctly unfriendly attitude towards the neighboring country.  Oh wait...
Well, hopefully they'll develop their answer to Austin and SXSW, not to mention Schlitterbahn waterpark.



http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/02/09/iraq-executes-14-people-in-one-day-65-so-far-this-year/

And Now In Ridiculous News...

20 year old Colorado student Peter Smith was detained and charged for throwing glitter at Mitt Romney.  This quote was taken from the Chicago Tribune:

"Denver authorities detained Smith for questioning on Tuesday night, and he was cited on misdemeanor charges of creating a disturbance, throwing a missile and an unlawful act on school property, Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson said."


Yes, glitter is a missile. Mike Huckabee was quoted in the same article as saying that glitter bombers should be arrested for assault and that "you've got to draw the line."  I'm all for peaceful protest and I love the symbolism of the glitter (generally used by equal rights advocates), but everyone should know that glitter crosses a line.  It's like the herpes of the arts and crafts world!  Once you get that on you, it's never going away.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-rt-us-glitter-charges-coloradotre8180aj-20120208,0,743807.story

By The Way

I tried out Tumblr before Blogger, so I have twenty-something articles there of which I am really quite proud.  The link is omnibusnews.tumblr.com  and I think the posts there are worth reading. I will likely keep updating that blog in tandem with this one, but that one will only get the more social issue type entries while this one will be more well-rounded.

Idiot Wind

Politicians traditionally use popular music to define their campaigns.  It’s hard not to associate Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” with the Clinton campaign in 1992 and “Only in America” from Brooks and Dunn will always be linked to Dubya in our minds.   Adding a little bit of Rock n’ Roll (or a little bit of country), adds excitement to rallies that might not be generated from grandstanding politicians.

Another tradition is using music without the permission of the artist.  The concern is not only copyright violation. Politicians represent a viewpoint and using a song for a campaign gives the appearance of the artist’s implicit endorsement of the politician.  Not learning from Bruce Springsteen’s well-documented beef with Reagan for the use of “Born in the USA,” candidates are identifying themselves with music without consulting with the artist.  To speak in (VERY) broad strokes, musicians tend to be liberal (especially if they’re not country artists).  Alice Cooper and Ted Nugent aside, the rock world is a pretty liberal scene.   As such, the recent crop of Republican hopefuls are finding themselves at odds the music world (again).

In the last election cycle, the band Heart made Sarah Palin stop using “Barracuda” and  John Mellencamp made John McCain stop using his songs. Jackson Browne actually sued McCain for using his music without permission. In 2011, Charlie Crist had to apologize to David Byrne from the Talking Heads for using their song without permission (after Byrne filed suit). Tom Petty sent cease and desist letters to Michelle Bachman, something he had to do previously with former President W. Bush.

Not one to learn from his mistakes, Newt Gingrich is now facing the same heat for using the Rocky theme “Eye of the Tiger” during his appearances.  Although Mr. Gingrich doesn’t seem to learn much from his own mistakes (insert token wife joke), you’d think he’d have the wisdom to learn from the mistakes of others.  Or at least to choose a more appropriate song.  I suggest “The Wanderer” by Dion or the theme song to Rolie Polie Olie.

Read more: http://technorati.com/entertainment/celebrity/article/gop-politicians-using-music-without-permission/#ixzz1l4TyvzqM

For Stephen Colbert poking fun at this issue, see his recently issued statement concerning his SuperPAC

http://hereistheplacewhereiloveyou.tumblr.com/post/16837262460

Here's A Thought...

MILLIONS of dollars are spent every four years to fund political campaigns for presidential hopefuls.  Each and every one of them accepts money and encourages widespread fundraising in hopes of securing four years in the oval office, trying to fix the country’s many ills in the way they see fit. I’ve got a crazy thought…what if, rather than spending the money on mudslinging and prosthelytizing, we did something more useful with the money?  We could all receive a booklet that outlines each candidate’s platform and vote based off of that.  Then the money could be spent in one of a zillion ways… funding healthcare for 9/11 first responders, rebuilding after natural disasters, any number of non-partisan type actions.  

I’m sorry, not sure what I’ve been smoking.  Why would the roughly 20 people and corporations that essentially fund national elections have any interest in helping the nation?