Speed II: Ruse Control

A South-Korean U.N. nuclear inspector was killed in a car accident in the central Markazi province of Iran on Tuesday.  That's according to the Iranian state-run media.  Apparently the car "turned over," killing the South Korean and Slovenian nuclear inspectors.

Isn't it just horrible when cars randomly turn over killing the representatives of the allies of your greatest enemy?  And it's just tragic when they represent a threat to your national secrecy ...er... that is.. security.

Come on, Iran!  If you're gonna lie to our faces, at least come up with something halfway plausible!  If the US is your mortal enemy, at least show some respect by coming up with a halfway decent cover story for your assassination of UN weapons inspectors!  Or did you want us to know?  Is that your plan?  You crafty devils, you!

If you think that you can inflame us and we won't do anything... well...you're probably right.  Dammit.  Cuz it's election season and no way Obama runs on a "Yes We Can Bomb Iran" slogan.

Source: http://edition.cnn.com/2012/05/08/world/meast/iran-nuclear-death/index.html?hpt=wo_bn11

View From Under A Rock

When you are working really hard in order to make something of yourself in the world, you are far too busy to have any idea what's going on in the world.  I've been working my tail off lately and I have to say... I pretty much know that Romney is the presumptive Republican nominee and that we haven't officially started any new wars in the last week or two. We haven't blown any countries off of the map.

Oh, North Korea's Lil' Kim III managed to make a fool of himself with a faulty rocket launch.  It's ok champ, it happens to everyone sometimes.  Maybe you were too stressed about it, or you had been drinking.  Either way, if your rocket stays up for  more than four hours, make sure to call your doctor.

Ridiculous News: Infuriating Edition

Just in case you didn't have enough reasons to hate Chris Brown, here's another one just to make sure.  He's breeding pit bulls!  Don't get me wrong, I loves me some pit bulls.  I love their big ol' square heads and silly grins and wiggly butts.  That being said - THERE ARE TOO MANY PIT BULLS.  They are some of the most awesome dogs ever but so many of them don't have a home! If you want a pit bull, adopt one.  There's a pittie out there somewhere that desperately wants to come home with you.

To make things worse, pitts aren't a part of the AKC. I'm fine with that.  I think that the AKC is to the dog world what the royals are to the human world - an association of inbred freaks.  That being said, pitt breeders are going for performance.  What kind of performance, you might ask?  Well, with border collies, they're looking for herding skillz.  With pitts, it's all too often looking for "well-built" and "game" dogs with "good lines."  Read between the coy lingo, folks.  They breed them for fighting.  And Chris Brown, unable to sink to a new low, has reinforced his position at the bottom.

Want to make a difference?  Don't shop, adopt!

Source:  http://www.ilovedogs.com/2012/04/chris-brown-pit-bull-breeder/

Modern Eugenics

I see proponents of racial purity every day.  Examining eyes,  height, coloring, posture, head shape, even tongue color!  These sickos support enclaves of racial purity that operate for profit, perpetuating the lie that there is an ideal type that comes from proper lineage.  On national television I see the perverted displays of inbreeding to create the perfect specimen.  I say unto you that this is an outrage!

Look at the royals, people!  Health comes from natural reproduction, not reproduction amongst similar types with the hopes of creating perfected offspring!  Eugenics is a sick pseudo-science that ignores the need for genetic diversity.  It should be illegal, I say.  Illegal!  Particularly given the number of homeless mixed-race orphans wandering the streets, craving love and a home.

Caught on yet?  Dog-breeding is wrong.  WRONG!  I don't give a rat's ass about the predictability of the so-called "pure-breed." For some reason, the ideas that we have dismissed the whole idea of a closed genetic pool as evil (think Nazis), somewhat stupid (royals), or straight-up perverted (Arkansas).  Some of our most impressive athletes (Tiger Woods), politicians (Obama), musicians (Lenny Kravitz), and even bloggers (yours truly) come from some extremely mixed stock.  What does that make us?  Genetically diverse! Healthy! Attractive! (American!)

My own darling dawg gets compliments every day.  Every. Single. Day.  I shit you not.  People roll down their windows at stoplights to compliment him.  They pull over to the side of the road.  They turn around and run to catch up with us.  "Oh my God, your dog is so beautiful.  What breed is it?"  Sorry folks.  He's a bit of this and a bit of that.  Snips and snails and puppy dog tails, that's what my little boy is made of.

Dog shows are sick, a parade of genetically "pure" freaks with over-exaggerated features and a short lifespan.  Ye Olde Dogge Pound is full of healthy, robust dogs that desperately need a forever home.  Why, oh why, would you go to a "breeder" when there are dogs out there that need you?

Don't shop.  Adopt.

Bill O'Reilly: A Few Millennia Behind The Times

Oh Bill O'Reilly, you so old fashioned!  Mr. O'Reilly is worried that Glee, the popular musical teen dramedy that every single one of my gay friends adores, might encourage young people to experiment with homosexuality.  After all, watching James Dean smoke made him want to smoke! It just looked so cool!

Two things.  Well, three.
1. Smoking is cool.  It's super bad for your health, but it's cool.  It is not analogous to homosexuality, except that it looks pretty sexy with sexy people and pretty disgusting with unattractive people.
2. Young people have been experimenting with homosexuality since the dawn of PEOPLE.  Exploring your sexuality is a natural and normal part of puberty.  Deal with it.
3. If young men are watching Glee, odds are pretty good that they are gay.  Glee didn't make them that way, it might just help them embrace it and even empower them.

Watching Glee "makes" young people gay no more than watching Some Like It Hot turned men into cross-dressers.  Unless, of course, it had than pernicious influence on Bill O'Reilly...?  Come on Bill, are you that easily influenced?  The folks want to know.


Source:  http://www.opposingviews.com/i/entertainment/video-bill-oreilly-worries-glee-may-turn-children-gay?utm_source=OV+Newsletter+List+2&utm_campaign=41ada80d02-OV_Newsletter_April_204_20_2012&utm_medium=email

Ridiculous News of the Day: Revolution in the People's Republic of Boulder

The University of Colorado in Boulder is planning on shutting down campus tomorrow (Friday, 4/20) to all but students carrying their IDs in order to halt the long running marijuana legalization protest.
Three things, CU:
First, it's a long running tradition for the campus to be full of pot-smokers on 4/20.  People come from all over the front range for it.  Colleges love tradition!
Second, you are in BOULDER.  Home of hippies both legit and trust funded, land of the free and the home of the laid back.  Chill out, dudes.
Third, the protesters are STONERS.  Stoners are chill people.  What the hell do you think is going to happen?  Stoned people don't get violent, that's drunk people.  Remember all of the alcohol-related drama that you've been facing the last few years?  If I were you, I'd embrace the easy-going stoner protesters and tell the drunken frat boys and football players to take a drag.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/04/19/attorney-warns-of-violence-if-university-snuffs-out-colorado-420-protest/#.T5BnzEuI7uY.reddit

*#&%^%()@: Or, On Obscenity

I have some big issues with obscenity.  Why?  Because sex is a natural and healthy thing.  People have been fucking and sucking and so on and so forth in happy, loving, healthy relationships since the beginning of humanity.  Your parents fucked, your grandparents fucked, and even if you believe in the virgin birth of Jesus, his grandparents totally got it on.  If you want to argue semantics, you can say that they made love.  Fucking is a crude term for the same general act.  There are nuances, but generally speaking it's referring to the act of coitus.  Most words that are considered "profane" are referring either to sexual acts or the sex organs.

some examples

suck

dick

cunt

ass

balls

cocksucker

motherfucker

tits

bollocks

clusterfuck (one of my personal favorites)

douchebag (female hygiene product)

jagoff

jerk (come on, what do you think it means?  And this one isn't even profane!)

minge (british term - female genitalia)

nuts (we don't think of it as dirty any more, but...)

pussy

peckerwood

prick

schmuck (I love Yiddish)

twat (also twatwaffle, the favorite of one of my best friends)

wanker (british)

So the epithets that we hurl at one another, even in jest, are foul because they have to do with sex.  Sex, which is a natural, healthy, and positive part of life.  None of us would be here without it (except for Jesus, of course). So why is it foul?

Let's look at another category: scatological profanity.  As the children's author wisely acknowledged, everybody poops.  Like sex, it's a natural and healthy, if kinda gross, part of life.  And yet!

Scatological swearwords

shit

crap

poop

asshole

ass-hat (another favorite)

pissed/pissed off

pisser

shithead

shit-for-brains

horse-shit (horses poop too!)

Another natural, healthy part of life tossed around like it's something profane.  If we all do it, every day, for our entire lives, how can it be profane?  The taboos surrounding these words run deep.  If you really want to get the Supreme Court up in arms, start arguing about obscenity with them.  So-called "foul" language like the terms listed above are working their way slowly into television, but not without moral condemnation from mothers everywhere.

This brings us to nudity.  The big one, if you will.  One glimpse of a middle-aged actors hindquarters or, heaven help us, a hint of nipple, and the FCC goes nuts.  Mandatory delays for censorship purposes are enacted because what if an innocent child saw a nipple!

Actually, yeah.  What IF that happened?  Most of these children spent a lot of time attached to them as babies.  They got all of their nourishment from them.  So what's so foul?  And as far as butts go... well, come on.  We all have one!  Everyone is so worried about exposing children to sexuality at a young age.  I get the concern.  It makes me sad to see 8 year olds wearing the same wardrobe as a middle-aged hooker, too.  But that doesn't come from the exposure to sexuality as much as from the glamourization of sexuality.

These young girls don't want to have sex, they want to be sexy.  Television, music, and movies feature mostly scantily clad women with perfect bodies. Women are demeaned as sex objects rather than equals to men.  We're sending children messages that women are only sex-objects (even the kick-ass ones are crazy hot), so what do you expect?  Is it the T&A?  Or is it the overt demeaning of women?  Because let's be honest.  If the kiddos don't have those body parts, they have accidentally and somewhat scarringly seen them on family members by barging in places without knocking.  It's embarrassing for everybody, but it doesn't "subvert the mind" of the kid.  If anything, it makes them doubly sure that the opposite sex has cooties.

What is foul, you may ask?  Am I one of them crazy liberals that thinks that nothing is obscene in the name of the First Amendment?  No.  Not at all.  Violence is obscene.  I've seen more dead bodies than I could ever hope to count because I really like crime dramas.  A body destroyed by violence is totally fine on prime time.  You can see scads of people get shot, something that most parents never want their children to see or experience in real life.  You see torture.  You see beating.

Almost 100% of adults have sex at some point, if not frequently.  Your parents.  Your neighbors.  The Weatherman.  The hosts of morning shows.  They're all doing it.  Everybody poops.  You don't even need to be a grownup for that one, not by even the most conservative standards.  But a bloody death?  Shooting? Domestic abuse?  These things happen.  They're a horrible and unfortunate part of the real world.  We all would hope that children would never see or experience these things.

But here is my big question: Is violence obscene?  I think that it ought to be.  I think it's disgraceful that "fuck" is about the worst thing a kid can say.  We use the words "kill" to describe finishing a box of cereal or eating the last of the mashed potatoes.  If something was a "kick," it was a good time.  A great headline is "punchy."   An attempt at something is a "shot," or perhaps you take a "stab" at it.  When you drop your phone in the water, it "dies."

I'm not saying that we should stop using those words.  I'm saying that, as a society, we need to start treating things that are a normal and healthy part of life as obscenity.

Have at thee, Justice Scalia!



Source:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46943248/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets/#.T3uALqs7VYs

I'm Ba-ack!

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted.  We all know it ain't cuz politics have been boring.  If anything, they've been rich with material for satire.  I've just been crazy busy.

Here are the things that I have learned in the past few weeks
1. The morning run will always suck at first.
2. There is such a thing as too much coffee in the morning
3. Running with the dog a lot will not exhaust him, it will make him more fit so that he has more energy
4. Smoking at night is never worth the morning toll during that shitty morning run.
5. There is such a thing as too much coffee in the afternoon.
6. Any work breaks during the day must be made up for at night.  The work doesn't go away.
7. I can't multi-task as well as I think I can.
8. 24-hour news networks are never worth watching for more than thirty minutes
9. Don't drink coffee in the evening if you plan on waking up at a reasonable hour
10. Without blogging I don't have a creative outlet.  Back to work!

Ready. Set. BLOG!

Thoughts from the Bathroom Floor

This post was typed a few days ago when I was suffering a nasty bout of food poisoning.

The porcelain god is a jealous god.  without tribute he gets mad.  since i've started reforming my ways a bit there have been fewer sacrificial tributes of alcohol and stomach acid.

the porcelain god is a merciful god.  when your brow is sweaty, he is cool.  when you are weak, he is there for support. his realm is the realm of cool tile and hard, smooth surfaces.  like a hospital, it is a place of healing and, with sacrifice and steadfastness, where life begins again.

Do not deprive the porcelain god of tribute or the sacrifice will be taken by force.  also - don't ever get the bacon from waffle house.

Today in Ridiculous News: Ninjas

A medical marijuana delivery man was attacked by two men dressed as ninjas.  How do pot-smoking ninjas move so fast?

Source: http://www.mercurynews.com/news/ci_20257164/medical-marijuana-delivery-man-attacked-by-ninjas

As Coulter As Ice

In shocking news, Ann Coulter is a bad person.  Surprise! Apparently ignoring the golden rule and the maxim that two wrongs don't make a right, Coulter is now advocating that right-wing pundits begin to attack the two young Obama girls.

In response to offensive jokes by David Letterman about one of Sarah Palin's young children, there was a media uproar and Letterman had to eat crow and apologize on air.  Bill Maher has recently made disparaging comments concerning the 2012 Republican Candidates.  Coulter had this to say to Sean Hannity on March 21st:


“I just say that going after the children generally ought to be off limits. It has not been off limits for Republicans, though, conservatives have taken the Obama children off limits.”  She added, “so maybe it’s time to start imitating liberals in another way and go after the Obama children. By the way, that has been done grotesquely and viscously over the years by the left.”


True? To an extent.  And for heaven's sake, it's despicable.  It should not be done.  Children are innocent victims of their parents' choice to enter politics.  Children should be off limits, Coulter is right about that, but the way to make your point is not to attack the children of your opponents.  This isn't just an ethical thing about the proper way to conduct a disagreement, there are real victims here and they are CHILDREN.  They may suffer severe psychological harm from public scrutiny, harassment, and embarrassment.  Growing up is hard enough to do without some idiot on television making jokes about you in front of the whole nation.

Here's what Coulter is wrong about, though.  The right doesn't consider children off limits!  Rush Limbaugh, honorary member of Congress and Republican stalwart, attacked Chelsea Clinton in 1993.  She was thirteen!  That's the time in a young girl's life when self-confidence is precarious at best and all of the awkward developments that nature throws at you are in an bizarre state of mid-development.  That's also the time when Rush Limbaugh said the following:


“Socks is the White House cat, but did you know there is also a White House dog?” 


 He then held up a picture of Chelsea Clinton. 


Ok, so nobody is considering Rush Limbaugh "fair and balanced."  Same thing for Bill Maher.  They are entertainers who use the somewhat different and harsher language of satire.  That doesn't mean that they can't overstep their bounds, and attacking children is a flying leap over the line of appropriate.


Ann Coulter, however, tries to represent herself as an intelligent voice in political discourse.  For her to advocate reprisal for the rather disgusting jokes concerning the children of certain Republican politicians by attacking the children of Democratic politicians lowers her to the level of Letterman, Maher, and Limbaugh.  It makes her and incendiary and rather idiotic entertainer who ought not to be taken seriously, as well as one with questionable morality.  


Oops, was this not funny?  Oh yeah, that's because attacking and humiliating children and masquerading it as entertainment isn't funny.

Anatomy of a Sweetener: Sugar Sues Corn Syrup

           Butter or Margarine; Ice Cream or FroYo; Drip Coffee or French Press; Meat or Tofu, the list goes on.  Although the answers to these questions may be perfectly clear to some of us (butter, ice cream, french press, and tofu, obviously), food feuds are as old as the Hatfields and McCoys or the Montagues and Capulets.  But the Sugar vs. Corn Syrup battle has now gone further than any other rivalry and taken their battle to the courts.  Yes, Sugar is suing Corn Syrup in the food battle to end all food battles.
            Sugar is being represented by the renowned lawyer Spice, a long time associate of Sugar.  Corn Syrup, in a bold move, is being represented by Twinky in what is thought to be a political statement about Synthetic Solidarity. Jury selection is expected to take several days or even a week, as studies show that either Sugar or Corn Syrup is heavily involved in most members of the food community. Sugar, of course, has a longer and more extensive history in the community, but many will remember the aristocratic lineage of Sugar, once a member of the exclusive Delicacy Club.
          Justice Burger is presiding over the forthcoming trial.  Although he has no connection to the Sweetener community, some see this as evidence of his objectivity.  Although there are rumors that Burger may be a member of the Synthetic community, these have not been substantiated.

Source: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-sweetener-suit-20120307,0,7189463.story

Our Earth, Which Art on Earth, Green Be Thy Name

Rick Santorum, champion of all things Christian (except for tolerance, forgiveness, loving thy fellow man, and a litany of other things commanded in the Bible), has called global warming a pseudo-religion!
Shit, he's figured us out.  Our secret cult with hidden rituals of recycling and planting vegetable gardens has been found out! Quick, everybody hide your recycle bins or at least cover the Symbol of the Holy Tri-Arrow.  Maybe if you hang trucknuts on the Prius, they won't know that it's a hybrid.  Oh, and dear God of all that is environmentally friendly, don't use re-usable shopping totes!  Maybe if we just keep re-using the crappy plastic bags, they won't notice what we're doing.
Wait!  Hold on, if it's a pseudo-religion, don't we have rights?  If we worship at the farmer's markets on Saturdays, shouldn't those be tax exempt or something?  We do our recycling on Wednesdays around here, so if that's our holy day, I don't want to go to work.  If you, Rick Santorum, get to imply that we should all follow YOUR religious views, why aren't we allowed to imply the same?  This country was not founded on Catholicism any more than it was founded on our most holy of churches, the Order of People Who Don't Want To Fuck Up The Earth.
Thankfully, global warming is not a church, nor is it an ideology.  It is something that an overwhelming majority of scientists, including those who work for oil companies, agree as a scientific finding supported by significant evidence.
And another thing, oh lord of the sweater vests; If you're trying to insult something by calling it a religion, you're sort of undermining your entire platform.  Just sayin'.


Sources: http://www.redstate.com/rjsantorum/2012/03/10/blown-and-tossed-by-the-winds-of-political-correctness/; http://www.prisonplanet.com/oil-companies-support-global-warming-alarmists-not-skeptics.html;  http://motherjones.com/blue-marble/2012/03/santorum-my-opponents-believe-pseudo-religion-global-warming

Behind Agricultural Lines

It seems these days that you can't go online or turn on the news without seeing another example of how the corporatization of agriculture has resulted in new lows of animal cruelty on a mass scale.   Iowa has responded, not with animal rights reform or explanations that shed a different light on photos and film footage taken covertly by animal rights activists but rather with the so called "Ag-Gag law." This law criminalizes misrepresenting one's self in order to gain access to farms for the purposes of exposing their practices.
I grew up in farm country.  Most farmers are honest, decent, hardworking folks who treat their animals with dignity and decency and do what they can to avoid imposing undue discomfort.  These are not the people that animal rights activists are exposing and they are not, I repeat, NOT the people that this bill is protecting.  The exposed practices of undue cruelty come from industrial scale farming and ranching practices that are reminiscent of the industrial age in America.  The practices are shocking and cruel and would probably make most self-employed farmers and ranchers gag.  This is Iowa protecting big business, not local farmers.
What's next? Creating walled-off ghettos behind which the unspeakable practices can continue to stock our supermarket shelves with unprecedented quantities of meat, eggs, and milk?  In an age where "organic," "free range," and "cruelty free" have become indicators of quality (regardless of the fact that there is no standard required for those labels), this is an unwise move.  This is the information age, Iowa!  Even in Iowa, there are very few secrets in regard to real concrete practices - creative accounting and market speculation may yet flourish in this country, but the actual horrifying practices that are currently practiced and those that would no doubt develop without media scrutiny will get out.  It's a corporate farm, Iowa, not a military base.  Clean up or clean out.
Source: http://www.npr.org/2012/03/10/148363509/ag-gag-law-blows-animal-activists-cover

The Sarkozy Line - Maginot Redux

French President Nicolas Sarkozy must not study history, because he's about to repeat it.  Sarkozy is threatening to close the French borders to stem the tide of illegal immigration.  As if the European Union didn't resent France already, the destruction of the Schengen Agreement is really gonna piss them off.  The Schengen Agreement which allows for passport free movement amongst all "Schengen Zone" countries, allows for easier intra-Europe transit to facilitate international business and exchange.
The last time that France tried to close off its borders was during the First World War with a series of fixed and armed fortresses designed to stave of incoming Germans.  What did the Germans do?  They went around in the damned thing in what has become one of history's least effective strategies.
The whole damned point of the Schengen Agreement is to facilitate business.  If other European countries can't easily do business with France, they'll just go around and trade with the rest of Europe.


Source: http://www.aljazeera.com/news/europe/2012/03/201231118344797284.html

Overly Decisive 2012: Cruise to the Kremlin

Vladimir Putin has won the presidential election in Russia in a landslide victory and, when I say landslide, I mean more of an avalanche of epic proportions.  With some precincts reporting in at 107% for Putin, there have been rumors of foul play and voter fraud. Rumor of foul play and voter fraud have been declared a treasonous act by president-elect Putin, as part of his newly drafted Patriot Act.

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/06/world/europe/fraudulent-votes-for-putin-abound-in-chechnya.html?_r=1

Madagascar 3: Escape from Tokyo

In what could be described as the plot of several dozen children's movies, a penguin has escaped from a Tokyo aquarium and is loose in the city.  One can only imagine that the penguin has befriended several local street animals and perhaps a homeless orphan or two and, while overcoming great obstacles, is learning a valuable lesson about the nature of life and friendship.  Eddie Murphy has been rumored to voice the character of the penguin, with additional characters voiced by Wanda Sykes, Steve Carell and, of course, Mark Hamill.



Source: http://www.japantimes.co.jp/text/nn20120305x3.html

Arachnophobia Australis: Why I'll Never Go to Australia

New South Wales, the Australian state that is home to the capital city of Sydney (and, of course, 42 Wallaby Way), has been afflicted with severe flooding, causing the evacuation of thousands of residents and the explosion of Australia's scariest population - huge fucking spiders.

Huge Fucking Spiders

The spiders are Orb spiders, which are not aggressive and have only a mild venom.  Do I care?  NO.  I am NEVER going to Australia.  Call it prejudice, but the explosion of the spider population is something that I can describe only as absolutely terrifying. Spiders are everything that is terrifying - they're fast, they move weird, they can bite, some of them are dangerous beyond reason (I'm looking at you, brown recluse spiders!), and they weave sticky death traps.

If you'll excuse me, I think I saw a spider and I have to scream now.


Source: http://www.theage.com.au/environment/weather/spiders-spin-their-webs-in-the-wagga-wet-as-population-explodes-20120307-1ujov.html

Just a Thought

If corporations are people, why can they be owned?  And if corporations are people, then why don't people have the same rights as corporations?  You know, the tax breaks and so on. And if corporations are people, why is corporate criminal liability such a pain in the ass to figure out since you can't sentence corporations to jail time and it's really a conglomerate so punishing the right person or, as it may be, group of people, is a difficult decision to make that is often somewhat arbitrary and you definitely can't throw a corporation in jail or execute it, at least not in any meaningful sense...
Oh right, that's because CORPORATIONS AREN'T PEOPLE. People are people.  Once we give equal rights to all of our citizens, then we can start meting out rights to other entities.  Until then, let's focus on our own citizens, shall we???

Apple, Apple, Uber Alles!

With a $500 billion stock market value, Apple is now worth more than Poland.  In other news, Germany is considering a hostile takeover of Apple, just out of habit. Originally, Putin and Merkel had decided to split the stock, but at the last minute the Germans pulled out of the deal.

http://money.cnn.com/2012/02/29/technology/apple_market_cap/index.htm

Today's Ridiculous News: Alaska Edition

Gorden Warren Epperly, a man from Juneau, Alaska, has filed a suit to bar President Obama from appearing on the Alaska ballot.  The justification?  He is of the "mulatto race."

Here is an excerpt from the complaint:

Barack Hussein Obama II, Aka Barack Hussein Obama, Aka Barack H. Obama has the race status of being a "Mulatto." Barack Obama's father (Barack Hussein Obama I) was a full blood Negro being born Nyang'oma Kogelo, Nyanza Province, Kenya and raised in the Colony of Kenya. Barack Obama's mother (Stanley Ann Dunham) was a white Caucasian woman being born in Wichita, Kansas on November 29, 1942 and raised in the state of Washington and in the State of Hawaii.

Therefore:

As stated above, for an Individual to be a Candidate for the Office of President of the United States, the Candidate must meet the qualifications set forth in the United States Constitution and one of those qualifications is that the Candidate shall be a "natural born Citizen" of the United States. As Barack Hussein Obama II is of the "Mulatto" race, his status of citizenship is founded upon the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Before the [purported] ratification of the Fourteenth Amendment, the race of "Negro" or "Mulatto" had no standing to be citizens of the United States under the United States Constitution.

Oh, Alaska.  You so crazy.


Source:http://www.enewspf.com/latest-news/latest-national/31089-suit-says-obama-cant-run-in-alaska-because-hes-of-the-mulatto-race.html

Liar Liar, Magic Pants On Fire

The Utah house has passed a bill which prohibits sexual education in public schools.  If schools do choose to teach sex ed, abstinence-only sex ed is required.  House representatives have cited intellectual reasons for this, as well as honesty.  Oh Utah, you rode the short bus to school, didn't you? State Representative Bill Wright offered the following explanation:
"We've been culturally watered down to think we have to teach about sex, about having sex and how to get away with it, which is intellectually dishonest," Wright said, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. "Why don't we just be honest with them upfront that sex outside marriage is devastating?"
Honest? Oh Mr. Wright, that's precious.  Let's be honest and recognize that school districts that teach abstinence-only education have consistently higher teen pregnancy rates. Let's be honest and give students the real facts about the dangers of sex and smart ways to prevent those dangers, because if Mr. Wright thinks that this bill is going to stop teenagers from having sex, he's not being honest with himself.
What can we infer from the house bill?  Well, children, it would seem that your representatives would rather allow for an atmosphere that will statistically increase your chances of teenage parenthood and contracting STDs than teach you about...
shh... gather round, gotta be quiet cuz this is a secret
"sex"


source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/23/abstinence-only-sex-educa_n_1297238.html 

Thank You, Republican Presidential Candidates!

No matter how bad my day is, I can always look to the Republican Presidential nominees for a good laugh.

In 2008, Rick Santorum alleged that Satan was attacking America: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57382008-503544/santorum-in-08-satan-is-attacking-america/

Mitt Romney accidentally admits, with his typical awkward speaking skills, that austerity kills jobs: http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/02/21/429831/romney-admits-budget-cuts-slow-economy/

Rick Santorum knows almost nothing about American history, specifically about the development of public schools: http://crooksandliars.com/blue-texan/rick-santorum-flunks-basic-history-agai

Most musicians don't want Republicans to use their music as part of a campaign, but Obama has a Spotify playlist of songs by artists that support him: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/02/the-obama-album/

Newt Gingrich.  Seriously, Newt Gingrich.  He alleges that gas was $2/gallon when Obama was elected, meaning that he thinks that Obama was elected sometime during Clinton's presidency: http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/gingrich-policies-lower-gas-prices-15754351#.T0QrcZggs6R

Then I remember that any one of these men may one day be our president, and I stop laughing.

Libya Doesn't Know About Mormons, India, or China

In a statement given yesterday (Feb 13), Libya issued a statement to the United Nation Rights Council that homosexuality will "affect religion and the continuation and reproduction of the human race."  The whole religion thing is a debate that I don't want to get into here, but let's look at the second half of that quote.  Libya is seriously concerned about the continuation and reproduction of the human race?  Libya has clearly never heard of the Mormons or certain groups of evangelical Christians (the Dugger family?), not to mention the entire countries of India and China.  Given the overwhelming ratio of boys to girls in China, homosexuality may be the only way to avoid some serious social unrest once those boys become men.
Come on, Libya.  The concern of a dwindling population is just not an issue.

http://blog.unwatch.org/index.php/2012/02/13/libya-tells-un-rights-council-gays-threaten-continuation-of-human-race/

Valentine's Day: Officially the Worst Holiday

Valentine's Day, aka Single's Awareness Day, aka Day of Guilt, aka Worst Holiday Ever.  It's here.   Not only is this the day that we all decry (but still secretly hope for a romantic surprise), it's a holiday celebrated only by happy couples.  Think about that.  Unhappy couples and bitter single people are reminded of the fact that their lives in no way resemble a romantic comedy and happy single people... well... I have no idea what they do.  Probably hang out with supermodels and drink champagne whilst discussing just how awesome their lives are.  I wouldn't know, but my guess is that this day passes them by without making much of an effect.
It's such a depressing holiday.  Jewelry is expensive and we're sorta in the middle of an economic crisis.  Chocolate is fattening and guilt inducing amongst all but the skinniest women (who probably don't eat much chocolate anyways).  There's something about a single rose that is simple and beautiful, perhaps emphasized by it's ephemeral nature.  Well guess what?  You can't even enjoy that now.  Turns out there is a 1 in 12 chance that your Valentine's Day flowers were cut by child laborers.  Did your Valentine go big for the dozen roses?  I think you can do the math on that one.

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/02/theres-a-1-in-16-chance-your-v-day-flowers-were-cut-by-child-laborers/253084/

My Valentine's Day gift to the conservatives among us?  There used to be a significantly larger portion of flowers imported to the US that were cut by child laborers.  In 2006 Dubya began the process of a Free Trade Deal with Colombia that required a certain standard of worker's rights which included an end to child labor.  Congress has finally approved and the trade deal should go into effect sometime this year. Happy Valentine's Day.

America's Best Export? Colorful Metaphors

A panel of German linguists has named the best English loanword to enter into the German vocabulary.  The winning word? Shitstorm!  That's right, the word is a compound word composed of "shit" and "storm," which derive, respectively, from the German words "Scheisse" and "Sturm," has been re-adopted in its combined form.  This demonstrates the strict rigidity of the German language and the American ability to create fantastic obscenities.


http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/news/regions/europe/germany/120214/academics-vote-shitstorm-germans-best-english-loanword

NYPD Bloopers

Remember a few months back when New York Deputy Inspector Anthony Bologna (code name Tony Baloney) sprayed Occupy Wall Street protesters in the face?  It's time for the NYPD to pay the piper. The two young women who were doused with enough pepper spray to subdue a pack of wild boars have filed suit.  The suit is filed against DI Bologna, the NYPD, the City of New York, and various other officers.  The lawsuit alleges that the officers were not properly trained.  From the behavior caught on the viral video of Tony Baloney spraying down the women with almost pornographic amounts of pepper spray, it would seem that they failed to teach them what pepper spray is and does.  My recommendation is that every officer should get a quick burst of pepper spray in the general area of their face. Officer Bologna, IMHO, should get the same amount in his face that he sprayed at the protesters.  That should be an effective deterrent.


http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/02/14/us-newyork-occupy-lawsuit-idUSTRE81D06N20120214

Dear Mitt Romney,

47 million Americans now live below the poverty line.  Tent cities are popping up in the worst-hit cities.  Care about the very poor yet, Mitt Romney?  Huh?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/panorama/hi/front_page/newsid_9694000/9694094.stm

Justice InJustice

Supreme Court Justice Breyer, his wife, and guests were robbed by a machete-wielding intruder.  The intruder busted in to their West Indies vacation home and took about $1k in cash but didn't hurt anybody.

http://www.scotusblog.com/2012/02/justice-breyer-robbed/

In breaking news, J. Breyer now supports a ban on concealed machetes, which Justice Scalia opposes as contradictory to the framers' intentions.

Tweet Revenge

The 21st century answer to Salman Rushdie has arrived!  Saudi-born journalist Hamza Kashgari was arrested in Kuala Lampur for deportation as a result of a series of Tweets that he posted some time ago, where he described an imaginary encounter and conversation with Muhammed.  Mr. Kashgari is being accused of blasphemy. If he is charged with and convicted of blasphemy, he may face the death penalty.
Oh, if only he lived in the land of the free and the home of the brave! America doesn't stand for this sort of oppression... unless you have massive oil reserves.  Sorry, Mr. Kashgari.  If you want our help, you're going to have to get some oil.
Twitter has not yet commented, but one could imagine that they might be thinking "It's called Twitter, you twats! Not 'Serious Discourse!'"  Maybe they should include a disclaimer "No tweets less than 141 characters to be taken seriously."

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/13/world/asia/saudi-writer-is-deported-over-twitter-posts-on-prophet-muhammad.html

European Vacation!

Switzerland is set to vote on whether to increase the annual vacation benefit to six weeks of paid vacation.  Switzerland has been largely sheltered from the European economic decline because they have declined to adopt the Euro currency and because of the strength of their own industries (swiss bank accounts!).  If you were wondering, the home of beautiful mountains, amazing chocolate, a border with Italy and mediterranean paradise but without all of the corruption...Switzerland just officially made itself the most awesome country ever.

http://www.swissinfo.ch/eng/specials/march_11_vote/Benefits_of_extra_holiday_debated_ahead_of_vote_.html?cid=31976010

Today In Ridiculous News... Faux News Edition

In a move resulting in some serious face-palm action, Fox News Channel pundit Liz Trotta wrote off sexual assaults on female soldiers in action as a predictable result of women in the military.  In her words "Now, what did they expect?"

I can't find a comment from Fox on this turd yet, but I'm sure that they aren't too happy.


http://motherjones.com/mojo/2012/02/fox-pundit-women-military-should-expect-get-raped-video

Senior Military Leaders’ Loss of Integrity Wounds Afghan War Effort (thanks rolling stone!)

This quote taken from Rolling Stone magazine.  No copyright infringement intended.

"Earlier this week, the New York Times’ Scott Shane published a bombshell piece about Lt. Colonel Daniel Davis, a 17-year Army veteran recently returned from a second tour in Afghanistan. According to the Times, the 48-year-old Davis had written an 84-page unclassified report, as well as a classified report, offering his assessment of the decade-long war. That assessment is essentially that the war has been a disaster and the military's top brass has not leveled with the American public about just how badly it’s been going. "How many more men must die in support of a mission that is not succeeding?" Davis boldly asks."

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/blogs/national-affairs/the-afghanistan-report-the-pentagon-doesnt-want-you-to-read-20120210#ixzz1m1UhoIQA

Rolling Stone has provided the full 84 page report linked here:

http://www1.rollingstone.com/extras/RS_REPORT.pdf

Christian Post Can't Read

Christian Post recently published an article alleging that a Mississippi Senate bill could result in life imprisonment for parents that spank their children.  I'm currently advocating for a minimum of 2 months for publishing an article that tries to describe a bill without READING THE BILL.
The bill, specifically Senate Bill 2180, criminalizes child abuse and provides penalties for it.  It also specifically allows for reasonable discipline as a defense (specifically section c, subsection iii).
This article is a ridiculous act of sensationalism that tries to ignite righteous indignity and outrage amongst Christian parents, but the sad truth is that it's blatantly false.
The bill could do with a definitions section that defines "reasonable discipline," but there's plenty of case law that sets out a definition.
Pastor David Wright, CEO of DOers TV, takes the insanity a step further, turning a well-meaning bill that needs a definition section into a case of "Christians against the government."

"To all Christian parents, believe what God said regarding spanking your child as a form of discipline. And if you do not believe it works, just look at society, and all the parents who leave disciplining their children to the government and ask yourself which one works the best,"
http://www.christianpost.com/news/should-christians-spank-miss-bill-could-mean-life-imprisonment-for-parents-68846/

Yes, Pastor Wright,  everyone who spanks their children does so because they are following the word of God and everybody who doesn't is a heathen and neglecting their children, who are undoubtedly uncontrolled hooligans.
Given as how it's Mississippi, I'm gonna guess that most of the state Senate would identify as Christian.  They were elected by Mississippi residents, many of whom also identify as Christian. I think that the Christian Post needs to calm down and perhaps talk to their local congressperson about amending the bill. That's a whole lot more productive than writing an incendiary article.

For the text of the bill, follow the link:
http://billstatus.ls.state.ms.us/documents/2012/html/SB/2100-2199/SB2180IN.htm

Is Iraq The New Texas?

Two of the most notable things about Texas:  oil and execution.  Texas is home of legendary oil barons who have capitalized on the black gold that lies under their soil.  Texas also happens to execute more people than any other state in the union. By far. By leaps and bounds.  (http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/FactSheet.pdf)
Now Iraq is looking to beat them at their own game.  They recently executed 14 people in one day, raising the total for 2012 to 65.  For anybody keeping track, we're just a bit over a week into February. If this trend continues (65 executions in five weeks means 13/week), then by New Years we can expect Iraq to have executed 676 people, which is more than Texas has executed in the last forty years combined.
What will happen if this trend continues?  It's already a desert climate, but there might soon be camel rodeos, oversized hats, a conservative leader, conservative extremists, and a distinctly unfriendly attitude towards the neighboring country.  Oh wait...
Well, hopefully they'll develop their answer to Austin and SXSW, not to mention Schlitterbahn waterpark.



http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/02/09/iraq-executes-14-people-in-one-day-65-so-far-this-year/

And Now In Ridiculous News...

20 year old Colorado student Peter Smith was detained and charged for throwing glitter at Mitt Romney.  This quote was taken from the Chicago Tribune:

"Denver authorities detained Smith for questioning on Tuesday night, and he was cited on misdemeanor charges of creating a disturbance, throwing a missile and an unlawful act on school property, Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson said."


Yes, glitter is a missile. Mike Huckabee was quoted in the same article as saying that glitter bombers should be arrested for assault and that "you've got to draw the line."  I'm all for peaceful protest and I love the symbolism of the glitter (generally used by equal rights advocates), but everyone should know that glitter crosses a line.  It's like the herpes of the arts and crafts world!  Once you get that on you, it's never going away.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-rt-us-glitter-charges-coloradotre8180aj-20120208,0,743807.story

By The Way

I tried out Tumblr before Blogger, so I have twenty-something articles there of which I am really quite proud.  The link is omnibusnews.tumblr.com  and I think the posts there are worth reading. I will likely keep updating that blog in tandem with this one, but that one will only get the more social issue type entries while this one will be more well-rounded.

Idiot Wind

Politicians traditionally use popular music to define their campaigns.  It’s hard not to associate Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” with the Clinton campaign in 1992 and “Only in America” from Brooks and Dunn will always be linked to Dubya in our minds.   Adding a little bit of Rock n’ Roll (or a little bit of country), adds excitement to rallies that might not be generated from grandstanding politicians.

Another tradition is using music without the permission of the artist.  The concern is not only copyright violation. Politicians represent a viewpoint and using a song for a campaign gives the appearance of the artist’s implicit endorsement of the politician.  Not learning from Bruce Springsteen’s well-documented beef with Reagan for the use of “Born in the USA,” candidates are identifying themselves with music without consulting with the artist.  To speak in (VERY) broad strokes, musicians tend to be liberal (especially if they’re not country artists).  Alice Cooper and Ted Nugent aside, the rock world is a pretty liberal scene.   As such, the recent crop of Republican hopefuls are finding themselves at odds the music world (again).

In the last election cycle, the band Heart made Sarah Palin stop using “Barracuda” and  John Mellencamp made John McCain stop using his songs. Jackson Browne actually sued McCain for using his music without permission. In 2011, Charlie Crist had to apologize to David Byrne from the Talking Heads for using their song without permission (after Byrne filed suit). Tom Petty sent cease and desist letters to Michelle Bachman, something he had to do previously with former President W. Bush.

Not one to learn from his mistakes, Newt Gingrich is now facing the same heat for using the Rocky theme “Eye of the Tiger” during his appearances.  Although Mr. Gingrich doesn’t seem to learn much from his own mistakes (insert token wife joke), you’d think he’d have the wisdom to learn from the mistakes of others.  Or at least to choose a more appropriate song.  I suggest “The Wanderer” by Dion or the theme song to Rolie Polie Olie.

Read more: http://technorati.com/entertainment/celebrity/article/gop-politicians-using-music-without-permission/#ixzz1l4TyvzqM

For Stephen Colbert poking fun at this issue, see his recently issued statement concerning his SuperPAC

http://hereistheplacewhereiloveyou.tumblr.com/post/16837262460

Here's A Thought...

MILLIONS of dollars are spent every four years to fund political campaigns for presidential hopefuls.  Each and every one of them accepts money and encourages widespread fundraising in hopes of securing four years in the oval office, trying to fix the country’s many ills in the way they see fit. I’ve got a crazy thought…what if, rather than spending the money on mudslinging and prosthelytizing, we did something more useful with the money?  We could all receive a booklet that outlines each candidate’s platform and vote based off of that.  Then the money could be spent in one of a zillion ways… funding healthcare for 9/11 first responders, rebuilding after natural disasters, any number of non-partisan type actions.  

I’m sorry, not sure what I’ve been smoking.  Why would the roughly 20 people and corporations that essentially fund national elections have any interest in helping the nation?